The Hungry Student Leader Blog
Here’s how the story goes.
Fraternity brother Jim is laying around with his girlfriend, Carrie, who is in ABC sorority. They are casually talking, and Carrie says, “What’s the hell’s up with Brother Dave?”
“What did Dave do?”
“My sister Sarah says that he gives her total attitude in Chemistry.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, she says he acts like he’s the total shit and won’t even talk to her.”
Jim then goes to the next chapter meeting and says, “Sorority girls are talking about what jerks we are. I can’t say who or what exactly was said, but ABC sorority doesn’t want to hang out with us anymore.”
The entire brotherhood erupts in a panic. O-M-G! ABC Sorority hates us, and soon, all the other sororities will hate us, too! Then what will we do?
All because Dave was sleepy one morning and didn’t say hello to Sarah whose feelings were hurt enough that she talked to Carrie, knowing that she would say something to Jim.
Anonymous female sources – the dirty bomb of fraternity. Drop it in a fraternity chapter meeting, and people have an emotional reaction.
I imagine this happens in sorority meetings, also.
As a fraternity leader, you will be confronted by anonymous female sources in chapter meetings. It’s a weapon that packs an emotional punch, and it is frequently used by brothers needing an irrefutable way to express a fear, an opinion, or a warning. Nothing gets one’s brothers shaking like the threat of sorority displeasure.
“I was talking to some sorority women today, and they said…”
If you are a fraternity president, you need to go on offense immediately when this happens.
“Tell me the name of the sorority woman, what chapter she is in, and I will make a call to the chapter president tonight after meeting.”
This is when the brother stammers. Because usually he’s blown the entire comment into something much larger than it is.
“Well, I don’t want to say…”
“Then don’t say it. Anonymous female sources are not appropriate in chapter meeting. If a sorority has a problem with us or with any of our members, please ask one of their representatives to give me a call, and we will deal with it professionally. Otherwise, don’t bring this sort of gossip up in the meeting.”
If you let brothers continue to cite anonymous female sources, you will soon be making every decision based on them. It becomes a guessing game. Every time a brother dislikes something, he’ll reach for the weapon. And, there will always be brothers who have the emotional fear response.
It also breeds a very unhealthy norm of interfraternal communication. Decisions affecting campus relations are born in the easily misunderstood communications between random individuals.
Yes, I know that informal sorority feedback can be useful. It’s an inescapable part of the fraternity/sorority political scene in most Greek communities. But, unsubstantiated comments from anonymous female sources have no place in fraternity chapter meetings.
And, presumably, vice versa, Ladies. Informal chatter with your boyfriend does not count as actionable intelligence appropriate for sorority chapter meetings.
If you’ve heard something, come tell a chapter leader. We will make a call to one of their leaders. We will clear things up. But, getting brothers or sisters riled up on unsubstantiated comments doesn’t serve the chapter’s interests. From now on, if you’re going to say that ABC Sorority or XYZ Fraternity thinks something about us, then cite the source and let’s see if it holds up.
By the way, the brothers or sisters who cite these sources are probably also planting bombs going the other direction. Don’t make sloppy comments to sorority women about their chapters and sisters, pretending to be the unofficial voice of the fraternity. You don’t have that authority. If you want the women to stop sowing discontent, then we have to stop it, also.
Posted in Communication, Confrontation, Greeks, Social on April 4th, 2012 | 14 Comments »
We top-third types love validation.
We like awards, recognitions, appointments to university committees, and shirts with our positions embroidered on the breast. We love opening the student newspaper and seeing our name. We need people to know who we are, what we do, and how hard we work.
We love it when people say, “Good job!” And, we wouldn’t mind it if we heard it a little more often.
OK, a lot more often.
Since I wrote the book, I have been enormously entertained by friends and colleagues noticing top-third behavior in their own lives. Turns out, top-third types don’t stop being this way when they graduate college.
I have a friend who travels more than I do, and he insists on logging on to the airline website after a trip to make sure the miles registered in his account. It bugs him until he sees the credit. For him, those miles mean status, and upgrades, and a faster line at the airport. Without that airline status, his travel might be unbearable. With the perks of status, he can travel six days a week like a modern-day gladiator.
He will probably seek jobs that have him on the road the rest of his life because being a Delta Quadruple Platinum (or whatever the hell it is) has become part of his identity. He needs the validation that comes from boarding a plane four minutes before normal people.
Another friend wrote to me and told me she was a top-third person in her office. She organizes the outings, the birthday lunches, and the company softball team, and she is annoyed that these things aren’t acknowledged in her annual review. Never mind that no one ever asked her to do these things and they aren’t actually part of the job for which she’s paid.
A colleague told me that his wife is a top-third type. “She does so much more around the house and with our son than I do. At first, I felt guilty about it, but then realized that she gained energy from it. As long as I was being thankful and acknowledging how hard she was working to better our family, things were peaceful. But, if I got busy and ignored the effort, that’s when we had problems.”
There’s nothing wrong with seeking some validation for the hard work you do, and I would agree that learning how to validate your partner’s effort is a brilliant relationship strategy.
If you are a top-third leader, and you find yourself negative and griping a lot, one cause might be a lack of validation. Who regularly validates you? Are you unconsciously seeking validation from people who are unable or unwilling to give it?
A good advisor knows the importance of giving you validation. It’s one of the most important parts of the job. It’s important that an advisor challenges you, but if you don’t have an advisor who additionally gives you validation, then find a new advisor.
Spend more time with others in your life who make you feel valued, and spend less time with people (bottom-third members, perhaps?) who take advantage of your willingness to work so hard without so much as the occasional pat on the back. If you don’t get support and validation from your fellow officers, start giving them more, and see if they give it back.
Maybe start spending some time with others in similar positions from other organizations. They might be starved for some validation, also. Give to them so that you may receive in return.
Maybe it all sounds weak. Seeking validation is totally lame, right?
I don’t think so. If it fuels you, then seek it out. Acknowledge your need.
Don’t whine for it – that makes you look pathetic. Don’t complain about how your bottom-third members fail to recognize you (their job is to annoy and ignore you). But take an inventory of where your validation comes from, and seek out those who feed your spirit. It’s as necessary for your self care as eating right, brushing your teeth, and getting enough sleep.
If you are a middle-third type, you might need to remind yourself to give your top-third a little more love. It’s the very best way you can be supportive of your organization and its leaders. Think of those groups in which you are a middle-third member and spend a few moments considering how you give validation to those who lead from the top.
Say thanks to Mom for always setting up a beautiful Christmas tree. Thank the professor who takes the time to support student-run events. Show some gratitude to the boss who tolerates your repeated need for a schedule change to accommodate your crazy schedule.
When we acknowledge our own need for validation and become proficient at offering the same validation to others, we keep that top-third energy going.
Posted in Advising, Communication, Motivation, People on March 13th, 2012 | 4 Comments »
By David Stollman, CAMPUSPEAK
I live in Manhattan and on every corner there is a little coffee shop like the Central Perk in Friends. Apartments in New York City are little prison cells, so aside from spending time at work, many residents do work at these coffee shops, meeting friends, or just relaxing there because they get stir crazy in their tiny little homes. Think about it, when you watch Cash Cab, everyone says they are headed to get coffee! No wonder it is called “the City that Never Sleeps!” Everyone is wired on caffeine.
But, I digress already. Many of these coffee shops are trendy and they all strive for a uniqueness to set them apart from the rest. It seems like a good business model. But, it’s not. Why? Starbucks does the opposite and is beating them all.
Starbucks is a consistent experience whether you are on the Upper West Side or the Lower East Side. (And, believe me, they are VERY different places.) But, even more… it is the same experience in Los Angeles as it is in Oxford, Mississippi. Starbucks is Starbucks is Starbucks is Starbucks. Sound boring? Not if you like Starbucks.
Fraternities and sororities are franchises, too – and that is a great thing. Don’t look down on the franchise concept. It allows us to take something good, sometimes even great, and expand its reach. More people can enjoy good Starbucks coffee, or those amazing McDonald’s french fries, or an affordable oil change at Jiffy Lube, or a good night’s sleep and cookie at a Doubletree hotel.
When it comes to fraternity or sorority, some of our members embrace that business model, while others do not. They prefer to view their chapter through their own view. Creating their own interpretation of what our founders created. Now don’t get me wrong – there is room for interpretation, for some individuality of personality and style based on the membership of the individual chapter. A chapter is a collage comprised of all that the members bring. But, what there is no room to interpret is our purpose, our meaning, our reason to exist. Too many of our members believe they can make the distinction about who we are. That isn’t their place. They can’t do that. If they want a student organization that is primarily about giving them a social network, or a social life – they can leave. Their fraternity wasn’t created for that purpose.
It’s inconsistent with the franchise brand.
Let’s picture you manage a Starbucks and decide to make some minor changes and rename some of the drinks. Or, let’s say you decide to change the menu. Or, you say, let’s really express our individuality and change the product. Let’s sell SHOES! Everyone loves shoes. Nice shoes, not crappy one. High quality footwear that would make that guy Tom green with envy. That all sounds good to me. Just take the name off the storefront. Because, no matter how high class the product is, you aren’t a Starbucks anymore. You are a shoe store. Even if you give a free cup of coffee with your shoes.
Women and men that think we aren’t primarily about the building of better women through sisterhood and men through brotherhood better think again. If they think we are a social entity that just happens to produce sisters and brothers – they have taken a Starbucks and made it a shoe store. I say if that is what they really want, they are wasting our time. The drama these members cause isn’t worth the good they bring. They are taking our organization and changing it beyond our recognition.
Notice that I have not once said they are bad people. I make no judgment on them at all. They could be wonderful amazing people. But, that doesn’t change that they are here for the wrong reason. One reason I don’t judge them is that many joined under the wrong pretense because of us, not them. We are the ones that sold them the wrong product. It seems we’ll tell women and men whatever they want to hear in the recruitment process to make sure they join us. Then we hope they will find the true meaning of our organization in some educational process. They will often build bonds with some of the members, but still never truly understand what we are about. They will graduate and say “I was a…” – as if membership was something that was worn for a while and then put back in a drawer to collect dust. Far too few of us actually embrace that our membership is supposed to be a part of who we are, not something that we do.
Purpose or Benefit? Do we see “social” as our purpose? Or, is it one of many benefits of joining? Chapters that see it as our purpose have taken their liberty at redefining us when they have no right to do so. If I walked into your chapter meeting and gave you a choice – you could either never again have ANY event where there is alcohol (official and unofficial events) or you could never again perform your initiation ceremony – what would the chapter choose? What would the discussion be like before that chapter vote? And, would our founders be proud?
A real chapter is able to have a great social life as one of many benefits of the brotherhood and sisterhood created in pursuit of our true purpose. A fraud couldn’t conceive of giving up that part of what they have become. What kind of chapter do you have?
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David Stollman is a co-founder of CAMPUSPEAK, a full-time speaker, and a member of Sigma Phi Epsilon. Learn about his speaking here.
Posted in Alcohol, Confrontation, Greeks, Social, Values on March 5th, 2012 | 3 Comments »
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Here’s how the story goes.
