In this video blog, I discuss some steps you can take to evaluate your calendar, trim it, and improve the events you decide to keep.

Motivating the Middle, video 4

What if student leadership conferences were responsibly “wet?”

My partner works with homeless populations.   It’s a challenging group because they depend almost entirely on public dollars for programs to help them get housing, counseling, job placement, child care, health services, etc.

Many of those who work with the homeless have learned that imposing rules based on public morality actually prevents positive change.  Expecting homeless people to completely go cold turkey on drugs or alcohol, for example, stands in the way of actually getting homeless people off the streets, into housing, and in a better place.

If you don’t believe me, read this article.  You know what’s working?  Realistic approaches.

It’s the same concept that has existed for years with intravenous drug users and needle exchange programs.  Yes, we wish the addict would stop injecting substances, but until he does, give him clean needles to slow infection rates, incentivize better choices, and save a lot of public money.  Expecting intravenous drug addicts to simply stop in order to get services helps no one.

You might disagree, and that’s your prerogative.  But, I feel pretty good that I’m right on this one.  I admire those people, like my partner, who fight for the opportunity to actually help people, regardless of public politics.

As I was reading the article, it got me thinking about all the student leadership conferences I attend this time of year, and the battle against alcohol that rages at them.

A huge amount of energy is spent trying to police the alcohol consumption of student participants.

What if, instead of fighting many students’ desire to consume alcohol, we allowed it in a safe and monitored environment?  Would it really be so heinous for a 21-year-old fraternity man to enjoy a beer while watching the step show?  Would allowing professionals access to a cash bar for a glass of wine really fly in the face of higher education values?

Are we teaching leadership – really? – by imposing an unrealistic standard?

Again, I’m just asking the question to spur discussion.

Yes, alcohol abuse is a terrible problem, and thousands of terrible decisions are made under the influence on campuses every day. But does the paternalistic, puritanical approach actually work?  Is anyone asking the question?

What if our leadership conferences made it part of their mission to model something more mature.  Could we pull it off?  Amid all of our educational breakout sessions on risk management and responsible decision-making, could we actually create an environment that encouraged them?

What if, instead of fighting the exhausting battle against consumption, we instead shifted our efforts to fighting immaturity around alcohol?

Very quietly, some national fraternities are choosing to embrace the reality that students might want to legally partake in the context of a leadership event.  They are taking their members to sporting events, and there is no active discouragement of legal purchase and consumption at the ballpark.  Sigma Alpha Epsilon Fraternity holds their leadership school on a cruise ship (not dry) and by all accounts, it’s a pretty fun and engaging event. Phi Kappa Psi Fraternity has held their leadership school at a resort in Cabo San Lucas, and many professionals I know who have attended say that the students, by and large, act very responsibly balancing the evening social time with the daytime learning.

What do you think?  Do you think we could pull it off?

We say we are creating an alcohol-free learning environment.  But, many of us know that’s a fantasy.  If our goal is to somehow convert student leaders into non-drinkers, we are failing. Is there some sort of moderate compromise?

What if we set an expectation of better choices instead of abstinence?

A “wet” program for the homeless in Seattle found that by allowing those using lodging for the homeless to consume moderate amounts in a controlled setting, they reduced overall consumption.  By allowing moderated consumption, they reduced overall consumption, and saved the city more than $36,000 annually in services per individual.

Is there a lesson in there for leadership programmers?

While top-third leaders are motivated by winning, recognition, status, influence, awards, problem-solving and becoming identified with their organization, middle-third members are motivated by different things.

What gets your middle third member engaged?

Balance.  While top-third members make numerous personal sacrifices for their leadership positions, middle-third members care deeply about maintaining balance among various priorities.  While engaging in group activities six out of seven nights is perfectly normal for a top-third leader, it causes stress and exhaustion for the middle-third member trying to balance involvement with classes, a relationship, a job, or involvement in other organizations. Your organization might be a big priority, but it’s not their only one.

Are you demanding too much time?

Harmony.  Nothing makes a leader more competitive than an “enemy” to focus on.  Many top-third leaders are fueled by the endless discord with bottom-third members.  Every meeting feels like a power struggle, and all that drama causes stress for middle-third members.  They like your organization best when people are getting along.  They prefer a collegial tone, and when you are stressed out, angry, or venting, you turn them off.  They might actually side with bottom-third members on an issue just to get you to pipe down.

Are you feeding the drama in your organization?

Fellowship.  For middle-third members, it’s not necessarily about the stressful big events like Homecoming, Greek Week, or the big fundraiser. Middle-third members just enjoy being with their teammates, brothers, sisters, fellow members. Just sharing a meal, gathering to watch a game, playing intramurals, or hanging out can be a real boost to their commitment.  While top-third members are concerned about “doing something” at all times, middle-third members can enjoy doing absolutely nothing as long as it’s with friends. In fact, that fellowship is probably the main benefit they gain from being a part of your organization, and anything that detracts from that is problematic.

Are you offering enough opportunities for members to simply enjoy each other?

Choice.  Middle-third members typically have favorite parts of your organization.  They enjoy certain activities a lot, and others not so much.  When top-third members are forcing (through guilt, fines, and pressure) everyone to contribute 100-percent to every single activity, it wears out middle-third members.  If your calendar is full of mandatory events that middle-third members feel compelled to do, they get cranky.  Middle-third members like to be led, but they don’t want you choosing their adventure for them.

Are your members able to choose their involvements, or are they being dictated to them?

Same thing goes for conferences.  If you are hosting a leadership conference, there will be a bottom-third of attendees who are there for purely selfish reasons.  These people are not necessarily bottom-third members of their organizations, but today, at your leadership event, they are bottom-third attendees.

They are not excited about the keynote speaker, sharing ideas, or learning skills.  They might be there because they were compelled to be there.  Or, maybe, they are just there to hang out with friends. They didn’t bring a pen and paper to jot down ideas. There is likely somewhere they’d rather be.

I speak frequently at leadership events, and I can easily see the thirds. The top-third folks are making eye contact and coming up to say hello after I speak.  The middle third are attentive, but their interest is conditional on me saying something that grabs or entertains them.  Then, there is the bottom-third – sometimes sleeping, talking, or on their phones texting – totally divested of any interest in my message, whatsoever.

It’s nothing personal.  Unless they disrupt my program, I don’t get offended.  I accept that every audience will have a bottom third, and I adjust my goals accordingly.  In my mind, I’m always speaking to two thirds of an audience.

If you are a conference planner (and therefore a top-third person at the conference), you like to go into your day hoping and assuming that everyone is there for the same reasons you are.  That’s probably not true.

Lately, Twitter has been the most obvious way to see the flaw in this assumption.

The conference committee invites attendees to Tweet comments about their experiences that day.  There’s usually a hashtag for the conference. Immediately, the bottom third sees an opportunity to express their unhappiness at being there and begin blowing off some steam.

I’m still drunk from last night. FML

Why wasn’t there coffee at this stupid thing.

I’d rather be sleeping.

The top-third then gets pissed and uses time in front of the whole group to chastise “certain people” for detracting from the spirit of the conference. The top-third wants their organizing efforts to be validated by the attendees.  The bottom-third wants to poke some fun and get under the top-third’s skin as revenge for being compelled to attend.

Meanwhile, the middle-third attendees will be sitting there, hearing the drama, being scolded as part of the assembly, and perhaps disengaging from the conference.

I get it.  I understand why you – a hard-working leader who has put a ton of work into this conference – want to confront those who disrespect the day’s activities. In your opinion, the bad attitudes or sarcastic humor of bottom-third attendees detract from the learning environment.  You feel justified confronting them from the podium.

It hurts your feelings. Am I right?

The best thing for the assembled group would be for you to confront the individuals directly and share how their disrespect impacted you. Don’t make the entire group of attendees suffer through your need for validation.  That doesn’t serve the mission of the day.

You might counter, “Well, the middle third is going to appreciate us confronting the negative behavior because it’s hurting their experience also!  We owe it to everyone to confront the bad behavior.”

I’m not so sure.  It’s one thing to call out someone who disrupts a speaker.  It’s another thing to confront someone for expressing a non-productive attitude on Twitter – an open forum whose entire purpose is to provide a forum for unfiltered opinions. When other top-third attendees tell you that someone should do something, assure them that you have.

The bottom-third at the conference could honestly care less what the planning committee wants.  A primary quality of bottom-third participants is a basic disrespect for authority.  As you go to the podium and try to shame them into better behavior, I believe they are sitting there enjoying the attention.

Meanwhile, the middle-third has to sit through negativity coming from both directions.  How do you think that impacts their commitment to learning?

In the never-ending battle between the top and the bottom, the middle third loses every time.

What is “Social Excellence?” They offer a lengthy description, but I would boil it down to one phrase they use: “a desire to intentionally connect with others.”  Intention is the key word – an active pursuit of meaningful engagement with those around you.  If you can learn to take a genuine interest in people and deliberatively and actively connect with them, your efforts and the resulting network enable you to do more as a leader.

The three authors (and their team at Phired Up Productions) embody their philosophy.  Go to any conference where their team is present, and you see the perfect mashup of charisma, sales skill and social confidence. If you want to know three-quarters of the attendees at a conference, stand next to one of them.

I recommend standing next to Jessica, because she’s the prettiest.

As I’m reading the book and searching for something to which I could lend a meaningful comment, here’s what I landed on.

Being cool.

The authors say being socially excellent has nothing to do with being popular or cool (p.34).  Being cool is about being separate or above others, whereas being socially excellent is about connecting with people and earning their respect. Mattson, Gendron and Orendi say that being socially excellent isn’t about being cool or popular.

I get what they are saying, but am not sure there is a perfect distinction.

In my humble opinion, learning to be socially excellent and finding a community where you can rock those skills is a pretty effective path to coolness.

People arrive at coolness in many different ways. Some people get there because they are good looking, rich, go to the right school, win a gold medal, or exude a sense of clever style.  There are many paths.

No one would look at Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and think “cool.”  Add a couple billion dollars and a Time Magazine “Person of the Year” cover, and I’d have a beer with him.  Perhaps he’s not naturally cool, but you have to give the guy his props.

Tina Fey.  Not a cool youngster. Doing pretty awesome now.

Tim Tebow, Meryl Streep, Barack Obama.  Take your pick. Many of the coolest people in the world didn’t come by it naturally.  They worked their butts off, did great things, and the resulting confidence yielded coolness.  And in almost every single case, it was achieved by hard work, good luck, and a willingness to connect with other people.

Being cool has benefits.  Being cool draws people to you.  Being cool is awesome.

If you’re a student leader who, like me, doesn’t come by cool naturally – I’m talking to you.

You might be getting your very first taste of cool. For most of your life, you’ve been overachieving and perhaps not feeling very cool alongside your peers.  Now, as you find yourself in a position of influence, you have a connection to a group of fellow leaders and peers who validate your efforts and worth. Your opinions and presence are sought after.  Even as people drive you nuts, you feel important.  You matter.

As the Phired Up authors say: “(Social Excellence is) engaging society so we might matter.”

In other words, when you learn to intentionally connect with people, you start mattering more. And, people who matter are cool. Being socially excellent is a path to cool available to everyone. If you’re willing to work at it, you can learn it and practice it.

I did not know any of the authors in their early years.  I have no idea if they were the cool kids in high school.  But, I’ve watched them become “cool” in our industry because they’ve worked hard to connect with people.

Regardless of their effort to differentiate Social Excellence from being cool and popular, the connection is there.  It’s awesome to achieve cool by being a leader who matters.

If you’re a student leader (or young professional) who looks at your own path and recognizes that meaningful connection with others is improving your life and leadership, then pick up the book.  It gives you a couple hundred ways to practice. Social Excellence is learned, and reinforced, and maintained.  This book will help you be more deliberate and intentional about it.

Whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, making an intentional effort to get off your smart phone and look someone in the eye is going to lead to good things.

And, that’s pretty cool.

Inevitably, the hard working professionals welcome their students at 10 a.m. with the words, “Thanks for getting up on a Saturday morning. I really appreciate it. I know it’s asking a lot.”

No, it’s not asking a lot. Not really.

It’s time to stop perpetuating this counterproductive norm. When did sleeping until noon become an inalienable right for college students? Why do we apologize to students for asking them to wake up at a reasonable time for an activity that is for THEIR benefit?

There are many victims in this world. A college student leader waking up at 9:30 a.m. is not one of them.

Students aren’t apologizing for staying up until 2 a.m. the night before your leadership event. Just once, I’d love to hear a student say, “No, dear advisor, please accept my apology for showing up with bloodshot eyes and ratty hair to the leadership conference you’ve worked so hard planning all month. I really felt the need to get trashed last night, and I’m dragging ass this morning. I know that doesn’t make you feel very appreciated. I’d like to thank you for giving up your Saturday for our benefit when I know you aren’t paid anything extra for doing it.”

Wouldn’t that be nice?

If we were starting these conferences at 6:00 in the morning, then I’d understand the need to congratulate people on getting up, dressing nicely, and being awake and alert. That’s early for most people. But 10 a.m.? C’mon, people.

If we’re supposed to be preparing these young men and women for the real world, shouldn’t convening for a 10 a.m. meeting be a reasonable expectation? When I have an early Saturday morning commitment, I take it easy the night before and make sure I’m awake and prepared the next morning. It’s what adults do, and it’s what we need to start expecting from our students – particularly those we deem “student leaders.”

Do ministers apologize to their congregations for getting up on Sunday morning? Do professors apologize for their early morning classes? Does the foreman at the factory apologize to his workers and pass out donuts asking for forgiveness? No, no, and definitely, no.

Students don’t apologize when they call advisors at 11 p.m. with a crisis, and they don’t bat an eye to schedule a meeting at 9 p.m.. Why are student affairs professionals apologizing to them for asking them to be awake when Starbucks has been open for FIVE HOURS?

Make the start of your event energizing. Make the content valuable. Serve breakfast burritos.

But, stop apologizing for asking people to wake up.

You’re free! Congrats. You can now enjoy a semester without the daily stresses of leadership. Less tension, fewer complaints, more free time.

For some of you, you’ll be moving on to another leadership position. Perhaps you’ve signed on to lead a council or another student organization that has nothing to do with your previous leadership position. New challenges await.

But for others, you come back in January with no specific student leadership responsibilities. You’ll just be “Joe Member” of your organization. A has-been. That can either be really great, or it can be really confusing. A few bits of advice.

Please, please, please… do not be an obstructionist former officer. The last thing the new leaders need is your open criticism of everything they try to do. Keep your mouth shut and let them try their new ideas, make their mistakes, and face their struggles. It’s tough being a student leader, and your meddling can make it worse. If you can’t say anything nice, then just shut up. Yes, you might be right. Yes, you might have made a better choice. But, it’s not your turn.

If you choose to hang around, then lend a hand on a project or area of the organization that desperately needs some attention. Raise some money, work with the alumni, do some public relations, paint the basement, clean up the constitution and bylaws. You’re not in charge any longer, but you can still be useful. Make a contribution without getting in the way of the new leaders. Set an example for other members that membership means stewardship of the organization, whether or not you’re in a leadership seat. Use all that accumulated wisdom to make a contribution uniquely suited to all that knowledge.

Show up to things. Your year as a leader doesn’t give you a pass to skip everything from here forward. Take an interest in the youngest members of your organization, and help shape their experience in a positive way. Again, you’re setting an example.

Support the new person, even when it hurts. When people in your organization dislike something the new officer does, the first thing they will do is look at you. Don’t roll the eyes, don’t make clever criticisms. Even if you disagree, your most critical response should be something like, “If you guys don’t like what he’s doing, then go talk to him and work with him for a better solution.” Don’t add fuel to a fire by encouraging dissent. It doesn’t make you look smarter or cooler to stir the pot – it just makes you look like a pain in the ass.

Go find another place to be useful. Join another student organization. Volunteer. Make some new friends. Sometimes, former officers become a negative, toxic presence in their organizations because they are bored, under-utilized, and are struggling with a lack of validation. When that happens, you start becoming the in-house critic of everything. Don’t go down that path.

If you find yourself struggling with a feeling of irrelevancy, channel that in a positive way.  We get addicted to feeling important.  We get a consistent dose of motivation from being in a seat of power, and it’s hard to give that up, sometimes.  People who don’t deal well with this feeling are the ones who become the cranky former officers that everyone grows to hate.

Don’t be that person. Be the one who set the example by becoming an ideal, supportive, contributing member.

Former presidents of the United States are good role models for how you should act. They reserve criticism. They help if they are called upon, even if they aren’t particularly fond of their replacement. They work on their own projects (their libraries, for instance) without getting in the way of the new leader. When encouraged to criticize by the press, they pinch their lips.

Like them, be classy about being a former leader. It’s the has-been high road.

Here is something to think about, however.  Resolutions lead to nothing for many people because they rarely get beyond the first step.

Certainly, you’ve heard the well-worn quote about a journey of a thousand miles starting with a single step.  Your single step might be writing down your goals, bookmarking the website for an upcoming 5k or mini-marathon, shopping for a flight to an exciting destination, or buying a gym membership.

There are a million first steps, and they usually require little investment.

You can sign up for the 5k, but getting up early that first morning, getting dressed, and going out in the cold air for that first run is going to suck.

A first step requires very little.  A second step requires kicks your ass.

I had been talking about writing a book for a decade, and as I look back, I took a whole lot of first steps.  I attended a writer’s conference.  I read several books about how to write a book. I started this blog and wrote it for four years.

The second step eluded me.  Close friends kept asking me when the book was coming, but I just couldn’t make the leap.

This led to about a dozen more first steps.  I wrote an outline (which I didn’t end up using), made a list of possible titles, set goals, and researched publishing companies.  Eventually, I grew sick of my inaction.

The second step is where the investment begins.  It’s where you make a choice to do one thing instead of another.  It’s where you feel stupid, insecure and frightened.  It’s the place where all the negative self-talk screams in your head.  It’s when you wonder what the hell you were thinking and decide to quit.

Or, not quit.

First steps are about getting excited about a possibility.  Second steps are about feeling completely pathetic, untalented, unworthy, and incapable – and then quitting, or making the big move.

For the book, it meant clearing the schedule, taking time off, and sitting down at the dining room table with my laptop and a blank pad of paper. My first 10 pages were a mess of disorganized crap.  I played through scenarios in which people trashed my effort and my business fell apart as a result.

But, I went ahead and wrote anyway.  It was in that moment that I gave myself permission to write the book I wanted (shorter than what the publisher wanted).  It was in that messy second step that I started getting a little bit excited. I finished the first draft by lunch on the second day.

If you’re going to set some resolutions, make sure you don’t write down a bunch of first steps.  Realistically think about your second step, and write that down, too.

Don’t just join the gym and buy a new pair of shoes.  Set the alarm for an hour earlier each day, and get your butt up.  Don’t just think about that dream vacation.  Put in the vacation time request, and start trimming silly expenses so you can afford to go.

Step away from what’s comfortable.  Don’t wait to feel confident.  Don’t wait until you you’ve taken all the risk out of a possibility.

That’s the commitment that will make the difference. Pushing through the fear and doubt of the second step will increase the likelihood of some real change.

Reprinted from the Delta Zeta blog.  

Q&A with T.J. Sullivan about his book Motivating the Middle

T.J. Sullivan, cofounder and CEO of CAMPUSPEAK, an agency which provides educational speakers and workshops for colleges and universities, has written his first book Motivating the Middle: Fighting Apathy in College Student Organizations. The book is a practical guide for college student leaders, as well as those who work with college students, about engaging with the “middle third members” – those who care for your organization but may choose not to take formal leadership positions.  T.J. recently sat down with us here at Delta Zeta to share some insight behind the book with our members.

DZ: You start the book with a quote from Ian Fleming: “A horse is dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle.” Sounds like a great metaphor for student organizations. Why does this quote speak to you?

T.J.: I just loved that quote.  When people think of a horse, they think of the head, or maybe of the danger of the back end. No one thinks about the middle, yet any horse trainer will tell you that what ends up there affects the race.  The same goes with a student organization.  People think about the out-front leaders (the “top third”) and perhaps those that cause drama and problems (the “bottom third”), and ignore the middle folks who are solid members, but not leaders.  My book suggests that if you want to truly energize your chapter or your organization, you have to pay attention to what goes in the middle.  A well-fed and healthy middle is the secret to a successful student organization.

DZ: In Chapter Two, you discuss how the middle third are jugglers, weighing and making decisions based upon their multiple priorities. This is often a quality we think of in student leaders, or top third. Can you share why you believe this is more of a middle third characteristic?

T.J.: Everyone assumes that the best jugglers are the top-third student leaders.  They seem so busy, they must be juggling!  And, many top-third student leaders do an awesome job finding balance.  But I would suggest that the majority of top-third leaders are not in balance.  Their leadership role (or roles) suck up most of their energy.  We demand a lot from our top-third student leaders. Many sorority chapter presidents have unhealthy stress levels, a lack of sleep, an inability to maintain romantic relationships, and a tendency to overcommit.  Just because someone is highly productive, doesn’t mean they are a healthy juggler.  This is why so many top-third leaders complete their leadership role and then go through a huge decompression period after. Middle-third members are more conservative when it comes to piling on extra commitments and responsibilities that can throw them off balance.  They see the top-third members stressing out.  Whether they do a good job of juggling or not, middle third members are more aware (or afraid) of the demands of being a top-third student leader, and therefore choose a less stressful supportive role.

DZ: You share multiple motivational examples in this book. Do you have a favorite? If so, why?

T.J.: I’ve long been on record opposing the madness of mandatory events.  I believe making dozens of events mandatory is lazy leadership.  Instead of making events meaningful and interesting, we just make them mandatory.  I honestly believe that sorority chapters would foster better sisterhood, mental health and happiness if they eliminated almost all of their mandatory events, pared down their calendars by at least 50-percent, and made sorority membership less grueling for the average member.  But, events are made mandatory by top-third members who would likely be at most things anyway. They figure if they have to be there, everyone has to.  That’s destructive.  The average middle-third member would love to spend 2-3 nights a week doing sorority, and the rest of the week doing other things, like studying, spending time with their special person, being involved in other campus organizations, or just relaxing.  When did being a sorority member become a full-time job?

DZ: We were really struck by the quote, “The idea that every member of an organization will be equally committed and engaged is a fantasy.” How has this idea affected your work with college students?

T.J.: Every participant comes to a situation with a different level of buy-in.  Yet, we tend to only value those who are excited, ever-present, and fully bought-in – the ones who make us feel good with their commitment and energy toward our shared goal. Yes, sometimes something magical happens, and most everyone is highly committed.  You see that in new chapters working toward a charter or in start up companies flush with cash and new employees, for example.  But, in most chapters, you have members at different levels of engagement.  I just don’t think it’s productive for a chapter officer to assume that every member’s engagement can be demanded or expected.  That sister who loves intramurals might really dislike ritual.  The sister who truly enjoys the social events might hate the meetings. They aren’t bad members for having preferences. These women can contribute in highly meaningful ways.  But, to expect a sister to get completely pumped about everything your chapter does is unrealistic, and to berate and fine her for not loving every single activity is harmful to morale.  Meet people where they are, encourage them to participate in as many things as possible, but give them some freedom to choose their own adventure.

DZ: You have now been a professional speaker within the college market for 20 years. What would be your biggest piece of advice to today’s college student?

T.J.: When I was in college, there was so much pressure to begin your adult life on graduation day.  That has changed a lot.  So many college students feel like “real life” doesn’t begin until sometime after age 30.  I’m sort of jealous of that.  I was in a big hurry to change the world before my 25th birthday, and I didn’t take enough time to explore all the possibilities in front of me.  I feel that being a member of a fraternity or sorority needs to be a large, wonderful commitment – full of reward and enjoyment.  But, for heaven’s sake… don’t miss out on the travel abroad experience, or signing up for that other campus organization, or participating in that service activity because your chapter sucks all your energy.  Life is a buffet.  Don’t fill up on the first item. Taste everything. Have fun.

Motivating the Middle: Fighting Apathy in College Student Organizations is available at: http://www.amazon.com/Motivating-Middle-Fighting-College-Organizations/dp/1604946903.

Winter break has a funny effect on student leaders.  In one respect, it is so great to have a reprieve from classes and the daily routine of campus life.  On the other hand, it usually only takes about 10 days before you fully remember the dysfunction of your family, your hometown, and your old friends. Soon, you’ll be chomping to get back to campus.

Student leaders sometimes feel anxiety when their brains shift focus.  For the last several months, you’ve been all about meetings, organizational drama, funding, projects, motivating members, completing tasks and crisis management. Now you get to go home, sleep at least 8 hours a night, and eat ham.

Mmmm… ham.

For most student leaders, this time reminds you that your life has moved on while the lives of those at home have been continuing – uninterrupted – pretty well without your participation.  An extended visit home does wonders for clarifying your perspective, whether the visit is fun or not.

It’s a break.  Use it like one. It’s a valuable opportunity for reflection.

Lay off the texting and social media with school friends.  Good or bad, give yourself a brief separation and “be there” with those around you over the break. Uncle Jim is best in small doses, but this is the time for that small dose. When you head to that family gathering, or when you’re hanging out with your siblings, leave the phone in the car. It will be there when you get back. I promise.

Don’t talk about yourself, constantly.  Yes, they want to know how school is.  Give them a couple of funny stories.  Tell them about a class that changed your perspective. Talk about the football games and other pleasant things.  But, also take a genuine interest in what’s going on with others, and be sure you’re not the only one sharing. Give your mind the break it needs from stresses back at school by listening to others whose lives exist elsewhere.

Have some fun.  It’s amazing how many college students have no idea how to have a good time outside the college environment.  Remember that grabbing back-to-back movies at the local cineplex with your best high school friend can make for a great day. Dance with your grandmother.

Hooking up with the guy from high school?  Bad idea.  You left him behind for a reason. If you don’t want it on New Year’s Day, don’t hit it on New Year’s Eve. Just sayin’.

Reflect on your own leadership.  If you can’t get your mind off your leadership position, then sit for 30 minutes and write out some observations of your experiences in the last semester.  What did you learn?  What would you like to do differently?  With whom should you mend fences?  Make the reflection more about you and how you’d like to function as a leader. If making a few resolutions feels like a good idea, go for it.

Practice giving. Sure, you participated in fundraisers and service events this past semester. But, if you didn’t get any actual face-to-face time with people in need, now is a great time to do that.  Local churches, homelessness agencies, and food banks always need a hand. If you prefer something a little less organized, collect used coats from friends, family and neighbors and drop them off at Goodwill. Quiet, individual service is a nice alternative to the madness of organized service events on campus.

Whether you celebrate something this season or not, have a wonderful break.  Make it count.  Feed your soul a little bit.  Reflect on your place on our planet.  Laugh, and be a good human.