T.J. Sullivan

“Fraternity: Where Friends Become Family”

On April 18, I had the honor of receiving the North-American Interfraternity Conference “Alumni Award of Distinction” at a luncheon at their annual meeting in D.C.  Several amazing undergraduate leaders, organizations and chapters were recognized that day, as well.  The NIC staff asked me to give brief comments at the luncheon which was attended by the staff and volunteer leaders of the NIC member fraternities and other special guests.  It was an intimidating room, let me tell you. The following is an excerpt from those comments.

“Years ago, the NIC had a tag line that I just loved.  I think it was back during the Jon Williamson era of this organization, but I’m not positive about that.  I don’t really know the history of how it came to be, or the inside story about why it went away.  But it’s not around anymore, which is a damn shame.

The tag line said Fraternity: Where Friends Become Family.

I loved that tag line, and I miss it.  I wish you’d bring it back and slap it on everything you do.  I wish chapters were putting it on recruitment t-shirts. That one line so beautifully captures the very best of what we do.  Much as the rituals represent the values of our individual fraternal organizations, the concept of fraternity as family should be the unifying value of this industry.

So many young men come to our groups because they are craving connection in a text message world.  They don’t articulate it well, but they crave approval from us. They crave people they can count on.  They crave a place to belong.

I know that this week, you’ll be in full “trade association” mode.  You’ll be talking about issues like freedom of association, open expansion, chapters opening, chapters closing, initiation trends and the sizes of your foundations. Somewhere in there, however, I hope you’ll find time to talk about some of the emotional stuff, too.  I hope there will be some talk about how we can better serve the needs of the thousands of young men out there right now who are looking for a family.

It’s a sacred responsibility, and in my humble opinion, it’s not getting its due in your conversations.

Yes, you’re going to talk about risk management. But, also, let’s talk about teaching these young men the importance of taking care of each other. Stop rewarding them for filling out paperwork, and start rewarding them for innovative problem solving. Teach them that the greatest mission a man can have in his life is to be a good husband/partner, and father, and steward to those who need a helping hand.

Yes, talk about your fundraising and initiation trends.  But, more importantly, talk about how to recruit the kind of volunteers who impart love, care and wisdom to your undergraduates.

I believe we will be a stronger community if we stop looking at these young men as our “members” and start looking at them as our sons.  If you wouldn’t want a man raising your son in your absence, then don’t put him in charge of advising your chapter. Put men on your boards who stand as shining role models for young men.  Put men on those boards who teach your young members about the value of family, and raising healthy kids, and making contributions to business, art, medicine, law, public service, education and more.

You see, sadly, these days, “family” to our young members means passing down some sort of silly alcohol-related tradition.  Family isn’t about taking care of each other, it’s about buying an 18-year-old a bottle of Jack Daniels and then leaving him alone on a couch in the basement of the fraternity house to sleep it off.

It seems to me, more than two decades into this fraternity business, that our most urgent issue is reclaiming the role of fraternity as a family and teaching our young members exactly what that means.

When we forget to behave like families, when we drift too far toward the trade association mentality, we get into trouble. Young men who don’t understand the ethics and values of family mistreat and abuse their new members.  They stand by silently when a brother fails out of college.  They turn fraternity into a mechanism for their own selfish satisfaction and their own power on campus, instead of using the potential of our organizations to serve others.

The amazing promise of fraternity is today, and always has been, the chance to bring young men together in a family bond.  The promise of fraternity is the opportunity to ensure that men of principle enter our society prepared to be good dads, good husbands and partners, and good citizens – smart, respectful, and with high expectations of each other.

As a parent, I understand the urgency of this.  My son heads to college in two years.  I’ve worked to provide my son a family framework that keeps him safe, instills in him important values, and sets him up for success in life.  If he chooses to join one of your families, I want to know that you plan to care as much about him as I do.

Pi Kappa Phi became my family nearly 25 years ago and filled a gaping hole left by a neglectful father. Because of my work in our interfraternal community, so many of you have extended your families to include me, and I’m eternally grateful.  When I recently stood in a room of Beta Theta Pi brothers at one of their regional conferences, arms on each others’ shoulders, singing their blessing… when I see three old men, brothers of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc., at the movie theatre laughing together on a guys night out… when I see brothers of Sigma Lambda Beta in all of their glorious machismo proudly claiming how much they love each other… when I see my one of my brothers holding a child with a disability, focusing all of his attention on her and rocking her and talking to her… I am filled with a tremendous passion for this thing we call fraternity.

We are beautiful – we are at our absolute best – when we place this in the front of our minds.  When we teach these boys about love, and connection, and integrity, and we help them discover an openness of heart because of our organizations, I become the world’s most passionate advocate for fraternity life.

This award is massively undeserved, but if it’s given me the chance to remind you – my interfraternal family – of your awesome opportunity, then I feel blessed to receive it.  Thank you.”

Posted in Advising, Greeks, Values on Monday, April 19th, 2010 | You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.