“Social Excellence” can make you cool
I’m reading “Social Excellence: We Dare You: How Handshakes Can Change the World,” a new book written by my friends Matt Mattson, Jessica Gendron Williams, and Josh Orendi. It’s a self-improvement workbook that encourages a leadership strategy/philosophy they call “Social Excellence.”
What is “Social Excellence?” They offer a lengthy description, but I would boil it down to one phrase they use: “a desire to intentionally connect with others.” Intention is the key word – an active pursuit of meaningful engagement with those around you. If you can learn to take a genuine interest in people and deliberatively and actively connect with them, your efforts and the resulting network enable you to do more as a leader.
The three authors (and their team at Phired Up Productions) embody their philosophy. Go to any conference where their team is present, and you see the perfect mashup of charisma, sales skill and social confidence. If you want to know three-quarters of the attendees at a conference, stand next to one of them.
I recommend standing next to Jessica, because she’s the prettiest.
As I’m reading the book and searching for something to which I could lend a meaningful comment, here’s what I landed on.
Being cool.
The authors say being socially excellent has nothing to do with being popular or cool (p.34). Being cool is about being separate or above others, whereas being socially excellent is about connecting with people and earning their respect. Mattson, Gendron and Orendi say that being socially excellent isn’t about being cool or popular.
I get what they are saying, but am not sure there is a perfect distinction.
In my humble opinion, learning to be socially excellent and finding a community where you can rock those skills is a pretty effective path to coolness.
People arrive at coolness in many different ways. Some people get there because they are good looking, rich, go to the right school, win a gold medal, or exude a sense of clever style. There are many paths.
No one would look at Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and think “cool.” Add a couple billion dollars and a Time Magazine “Person of the Year” cover, and I’d have a beer with him. Perhaps he’s not naturally cool, but you have to give the guy his props.
Tina Fey. Not a cool youngster. Doing pretty awesome now.
Tim Tebow, Meryl Streep, Barack Obama. Take your pick. Many of the coolest people in the world didn’t come by it naturally. They worked their butts off, did great things, and the resulting confidence yielded coolness. And in almost every single case, it was achieved by hard work, good luck, and a willingness to connect with other people.
Being cool has benefits. Being cool draws people to you. Being cool is awesome.
If you’re a student leader who, like me, doesn’t come by cool naturally – I’m talking to you.
You might be getting your very first taste of cool. For most of your life, you’ve been overachieving and perhaps not feeling very cool alongside your peers. Now, as you find yourself in a position of influence, you have a connection to a group of fellow leaders and peers who validate your efforts and worth. Your opinions and presence are sought after. Even as people drive you nuts, you feel important. You matter.
As the Phired Up authors say: “(Social Excellence is) engaging society so we might matter.”
In other words, when you learn to intentionally connect with people, you start mattering more. And, people who matter are cool. Being socially excellent is a path to cool available to everyone. If you’re willing to work at it, you can learn it and practice it.
I did not know any of the authors in their early years. I have no idea if they were the cool kids in high school. But, I’ve watched them become “cool” in our industry because they’ve worked hard to connect with people.
Regardless of their effort to differentiate Social Excellence from being cool and popular, the connection is there. It’s awesome to achieve cool by being a leader who matters.
If you’re a student leader (or young professional) who looks at your own path and recognizes that meaningful connection with others is improving your life and leadership, then pick up the book. It gives you a couple hundred ways to practice. Social Excellence is learned, and reinforced, and maintained. This book will help you be more deliberate and intentional about it.
Whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, making an intentional effort to get off your smart phone and look someone in the eye is going to lead to good things.
And, that’s pretty cool.
20 Responses to ““Social Excellence” can make you cool”
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TJ,
I am a student at The University of Southern Mississippi and a member of the Theta Alpha chapter of Pi Kappa Phi. I really enjoyed this article but I have to point out a thought that I had while reading. I really think that so much of being “cool” is being yourself. I feel that if you cannot be yourself, you can’t achieve “coolness.” I agree that intentionally connecting with people will help you become “cool.” However, how would you have the confidence to intentionally connect with if you are not comfortable with yourself.
On the other hand I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed your talk about Motivating The Middle at our Mid-Year Leadership Conference. Thank you for leaving Pi Kappa Phi better than you found it and keeping our fraternity on the path TO THE TOP!
Thank you for your time and commitment,
Robby Smith
Theta Alpha 283
Hey Mr. Sullivan,
As a fellow Pi Kappa Phi, I agree with the idea of becoming cool. It is all about making an effort to connect with the people around you. Once someone makes that permanent connection with his/her peers than they are accepted into the social atmosphere they are competeing to be a part of. When I was an Associate Memeber of Pi Kappa Phi, I finally found a group of guys that accepted me for who I was and that made the effort to connect much easier because I WANTED to. The want to be a part of a group is nothing without putting forth 100% effort. In the past year, I have seen myself grow and made huge strides to connect with those around me. Due to that effort, the rewards have been ten fold. I have found a great group of friends who think I;m “cool” and enjoy having me around. This happened because I made an effort to connect with them on as many levels as possible. I look forward to reading your blogs throughout the year!
Sincerely,
Steven Panepinto
Pi Kappa Phi- Theta Alpha 287
I am in agreement with this article. I believe that in order to obtain “Social Excellence” one must not only be great at the tasks that they carry out, but on some level have some sort of “cool”. I feel like today’s society is the reason for this. I think that just simply performing your job without that “cool” factor isn’t completely acceptable.
Good point, Robby. Totally agree. Authenticity in one’s effort to connect with others is completely key. Good, good, good point. Thanks, brother!
Mr. Sullivan,
As a campus leader at the University of Southern Mississippi, I definitely closely relate to this article. After reading into the second paragraph, I was immediately drawn to read this book myself. Being a leader involves a plethora of interactions with others. Communication with different people, in my opinion, builds a form of diversity amidst the individual who does the social bonding. Branching out to different people is what can make one “cool”, not by credentials or simply being well-known, but those knowing of the essence of that individual by the personal effort put into forming a bond with whomever they choose to come in contact with. Leaders like Mark Zuckerberg and Barack Obama were not deemed “cool” based on a title, their titles were given due to their works and communications that presented the essence of their characters to others who then saw them as “cool”. It is now in my plans to read this book for myself. Thanks for the reference!
To agree with this article, different groups of people define being “cool” as different things. As per your example as a football star such as Tim Tebow is cool to an athletically inclined group whereas a Barack Obama is more cool to a group of politically interested groups. In order to be a cool leader of a group you have to be able to influence and gain interest of the members of the group.
Michael Gemelli
Sigma Phi Epsilon
Southern Miss
TJ,
I believe that being “cool” is something that is perceived, by both oneself and others. It is also not necessarily easy to define, though, because if Tim Tebow hypothetically has a child one day, one could argue that his son or daughter would be born cool because he or she would be the offspring of someone who is cool, not to mention a national phenomenon. If this child happens to be a jerk, however, the people that know his son or daughter personally might think he is, in fact, the complete opposite of cool. Yet this alludes to a greater truth, in that some of the worst individuals on a personal level are still followed so closely by the media because they are cool (i.e. athletes, politicians, etc.). Being cool ultimately has so much to do with the intention with which you put yourself out there to the world. Most people who are cool have accomplished something in their lifetime that awards them with that recognition. If a person has the confidence to achieve social excellence, he will then be presumptively cool. But if someone has achieved social excellence, and he is not perceived as cool, then is he still cool?
Jeffrey Haeger
Sigma Phi Epsilon
The University of Southern Mississippi
Mr. Sullivan,
Like everyone else, I completely agree with what you are saying. Some people in this world, including myself, do not inherit a sense of “coolness.” To be considered cool in today’s world, one must be a person of importance and to be an important person, you must have good communication skills. The people that we viewed as cool in high school may not have the social skills needed to move up in today’s business world while the “nerds” in high school are becoming CEO’s of huge companies, simply because they can communicate well and be themselves. Everyone at some point in their life will probably be somewhat of a “pee-on” but as you move up and people look to you as a leader, that’s when you become cool and feel cool.
Phi Kappa Tau
University of Southern Mississippi
TJ,
I have been to some conferences where I was privileged to hear you speak. My favorite part of this blog was when you mentioned that being cool isn’t what impacts people, it’s how you intentionally connect with people. As a student leader, if I was so worried about being “cool”, there are many things that I probably wouldn’t be doing because they aren’t always what is popular. I agree with what the authors say about being cool. Social excellence is about connecting with people and earning their respect, not trying to be better then them. I think your impact on people is what defines your “cool” status. The more you do to serve others, the more of an impact you make and the more you matter to others.
Cassie Dennis
Alpha Delta Pi, Eta Zeta
Southern Miss
Mr. Sullivan,
After reading this about “social excellence,” I completely agree with your take on the connection between leadership and being cool. As you said, leaders have not always been “cool” and done what everyone else wanted them to, but in the end that is what makes them stand out. It’s also what makes a person a better leader, to kind of go against the norm and have self confidence. Having self confidence brings out your “coolness” and others around you see it, so they both do go hand in hand most of the time.
Devin Drawdy
Delta Gamma, Delta Pi
Southern Miss
Mr. Sullivan,
I really appreciated your points about intentionally connecting with people. It has become so easy these days to use technology as a safety net against the awkwardness of dealing with new interactions. Time and time again, I’ve seen interactions between my peers disintegrate behind games of “Words with Friends” or checking their Facebook with their smart phones. Developing Social Excellence starts with a decision to create face to face relationships that are enriching without the need for an intermediary device. Something as simple as a friendly conversation goes a long way towards easing the transition from small talk to “cool”.
Zachary Knight
Kappa Sigma, Epsilon Nu
Southern Miss
The definition of cool varies among who you ask. While popularity through social excellence can be defined as cool to a higher norm, smaller groups have their own definition of cool. Growing up in a small southern town, the more popular kids were only considered cool within their own social group which consisted of a higher percentage of students. To an outsider, having children and living in a trailer at the age of 16 is not considered cool. Others, though having excellent social skills and charisma, were not always considered cool by the norm.
Carter McMillan
Phi Kappa Tau
Southern Miss
TJ,
I agree with what a lot of my fellow Golden Eagles have said. The idea of being “cool” has been severely distorted by the media and is often associated with imitating the social behaviors of role models, famous individuals who are highlighted throughout the media, etc. I think that ultimately the individual determines what is “cool” or “uncool.” Whether they rely on the media’s definition or choose to define the terms themselves is left up to them. In my opinion, when an individual is comfortable with level of “coolness”, it gives them the confidence to be socially excellent.
Austin Jackson
Sigma Phi Epsilon
The University of Southern Mississippi
I don’t agree with the statement that social excellence doesn’t equal being cool. I believe the two are the same its just simply a change of terminology. But I do agree with the fact that there are many paths to being cool in you life. You can become cool from sports, clubs/ organizations, band,the group you associate yourself with, or even academics. However I do believe that if you are popular in one circle that doesn’t mean that you are cool in all circles. The fact that I can hit the hardest on the football field may be cool to most but not the band students. It is all subjective.
Matthew Cooley
Phi Beta Sigma
University of Southern Mississippi
I honestly think the statement could be very argumentative. Social excellence is more so of a political stand whereas being able to attract others to a particular message being betrayed rather than being cool as drawing attention to yourself just to gain a title for being popular.
Mr. Sullivan,
Honestly, I believe our first ascribed definition of “cool” was jaded as children. We thought “cool” was people who were rebellious, smoked cigarettes, by looks, or if they excelled at a sport…to 12 year old me, that would’ve made you “cool”. But as I begin to mature, I do know that actually realizing who you really are and wanting to make a positive impact on those around you…is pretty darn cool. So, 22 year old me agrees that Social excellence is cool….but 12 year old year me doesn’t; therefore, realizing what’s cool and what’s not may even be accredited to maturity.
Mr. Sullivan,
After reading this blog, one thing that comes to mind is that society has determined a lot of what makes you “cool”. I think what attracts people to you is your spirit and the way you carry yourself. It’s more so about knowing who you are, accepting who you are, and just being yourself. Yes, when you’re in certain circles or part of different organizations, and you hold certain titles that could make you “cool”. With social excellence centering around having a DESIRE to want to impact others, I agree and I think that is considered cool. I think about “motive” when I read this blog. Some people that you encounter do certain things only for personal gain or to feel accepted/”cool”. These same people can also engage and impact others, but its not genuine. I feel we see too much of that in our society and even on campuses. Personally, I want to continue to grow/mature and I have goals that I want to achieve. In all that I do, I hope to engage with others and positively impact the lives of people around me. Not just for personal gain but because it’s in my nature to pursue MEANINGFUL engagements with others around me.
I agree with everything you said in this blog. I like how you pointed out very successful people and how they weren’t “cool” growing up. I feel that this is important for people to realize. Too many people worry about how cool they may come off when they should be worrying about how they connect with others. Being cool can benefit some in the long run but it really isn’t as important as people make it out to be.
Kayla Patak
The University of Southern Mississippi
Pi Beta Phi
MS Alpha
I agree with what you said in this article. Being cool is not about how popular you were in high school, its about everything you do as a leader. Also its about how you act towards others. If you are rude to people they are probably not going to care for you too much. But if you are polite to everyone they will most likely like you and think you are a cool person. Also, as your Tim Tebow example says, you can become cool by being really good at a sport.
Hey Mr. Sullivan,
I agree with you that social excellence can boost coolness. I think that coolness is determined by what we do to prove ourselves as leaders and people. Our interactions are the main ways we influence others and this can either make or break relationships. The fact of the matter is who wants to interact with someone who isn’t cool.
Joseph Leist
Sigma Nu – Theta Gamma
The University of Southern Mississippi