When they threaten to quit
I received an email from a fraternity president yesterday. What should I do, he asked? There’s a brother in my chapter who is pissed off, and now he says he’s going to “drop” unless people start being more respectful. He’s tired of the bullshit. What should I do?
I began writing a very constructive response. Find out where his concerns lie. Ask him what he’s done to search for solutions. Can you facilitate some critical conversations that might address some of the hot issues?
After writing nearly three paragraphs, I realized I was angry.
My fourth paragraph said, “Or, just tell him he’s a sorry ass quitter and a coward for threatening to quit something he made a lifetime commitment to. Tell him that he can skip the next meeting and turn in his membership badge if he thinks dropping is a valid idea.”
I felt so much better after writing that.
I can’t stand fraternity and sorority members who threaten to quit. It’s always from members who aren’t contributing much anyway… the bottom third whose commitment is so tentative that throwing away their membership seems like a reasonable response every time they are unhappy.
Even threatening to drop should be disgraceful. You threaten to drop? Shame on you.
If you want to express your frustrations, that’s valid. Want assistance in resolving a dispute? No problem. Want to feel upset about something and stew on it for a while. Go for it.
But threatening to quit? There’s the door.
When you join a fraternity or sorority, you make some promises. Remember those? The ones you made that night you were wearing the robe? Quitting the fraternity isn’t the same thing as quitting a crappy part-time job. Show some respect.
There are some legitimate reasons to leave: transferring or dropping out of school, inability to maintain academics, a sick family member, study abroad. Most of the time, members threatening to drop are just pissed. They’re unhappy or frustrated. They want attention. They aren’t having a good time. They don’t like the way things are going.
Threatening to drop is not the mature answer to anything. It should be the absolute last resort, and if it comes to that, it should be done with great sadness and regret because every other possibility has been exhausted.
Standing up in the chapter meeting and saying you’re going to drop, unless…
Later, Brother. Thanks for the initiation fee.
I ended up calling the young man. I suggested he confront the member with one simple question, “Do you want to quit right now, or do you want to work on this and find a solution?” He emailed me later and said the member chose to drop when given the choice. The president asked for all of his letters, his badge and accepted his resignation. The executive board will vote to expel him this weekend.
It’s hard to lead a student organization. It’s even harder when members feel empowered to threaten quitting to get their way. I suggested the president announce at the next meeting that anyone who publicly threatens to drop would immediately tender their resignation. Appeals could be taken to the standards board.
Let’s hold our brothers and sisters to a higher expectation of commitment. Let’s demand that people stick with us through the good and bad times. In a country where 50-percent of marriages fail, let’s train our members that working through our frustrations yields better results than quitting.
And, if they insist on the threats, let them walk. We have our hands full leading those who commit to sticking around.
6 Responses to “When they threaten to quit”
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As a founder member of a fraternal non-profit organization that was ostensibly established to foster brotherhood and service to a specific community, it pained me greatly to have to leave the organization after two years of being involved, the first of which was spent serving on the first Board of Directors.
Several issue led to my voluntary separation from the group, not the least of which involved the passage of an openly discriminatory alteration to our bylaws done without the support of the full membership. The behind-the-scenes process leading up to this revision (along with a handful of other changes) was a fractious months-long series of heated meetings and arguments for and against changing our non-discrimination statement, including opposition to the change from two of the three original creators of the group.
Despite their opposition, an anonymous vote was held at a Board meeting, in which the Board decided that we would suspend the provision in our bylaws that required 2/3 of the entire membership to vote on any changes to our foundational documents in order to bring the amendments to a vote of only the active members.
But, this was just the beginning of our problems.
After my tenure on the Board, the incoming leaders of the organization failed to follow up on several of the legal steps required by the government in order to qualify for 501 (c) status, managed to drop member involvement by over 70%, and instead began discussions concerning the dissolution of the group, not understanding why they should “play by somebody else’s rules” concerning tax filing and status, turning over the funds in the organization’s bank account to another private 501 (c) 3 to absorb into their own, and taking the group and its funds “underground.”
As they also failed to purchase any liability insurance, and showed no desire whatsoever to maintain the group in perpetuity, I had to make the personal decision to distance myself from an organization into which I put in several thousands of hours of my personal time ensuring that it got off the ground, planning, organizing, and hosting several fundraisers to ensure that we had funds to continue operating, and working tirelessly, alongside my fellow board members, to make sure we were in good standing with the government.
Unfortunately, quitting isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes, allowing an organization to do what its members feel they need to do, even though you know it those actions to be unethical and illegal, is the best thing you can do. There are times when part of an organization’s evolution includes its failure. However, the legal and ethical ramifications associated with those risks are not something with which I feel I should be associated, and for the sake of my professional reputation, I chose to leave the group in favor of self-preservation.
Truth, as usual. The toughest stands leaders take are often this pointed and direct. And yes – crappy members threaten to take their toys and go home if they’re unhappy. Who needs ‘em.
Who cares what the persons CHOICE is? Grow the fck up
This is why I love TJ. He always says exactly what I’ve been thinking forever, but with expert justification and true fraternal intention. I feel vindicated and empowered. Thanks for an amazing presentation at AOII’s leadership academy this weekend.
What happens when a member who does care threatens to quit. When a member is someone on you executive board? What do you do then?
I totally agree with your stance on this issue. I agree quitting or resignation of any kind of life long bond is a cheap way of facing adversity. Some people who do feel powerless and join the organization for wrong reasons tend to pull the card to get attention. But to find someone who actually went through with there threat is I feel a good thing. Its one less dedicated person one l person to stop progression one less headache. Away and good ridden.
Isaiah Mayfield
UL Lafaytte Geek Community